My friend Tom Volkar brought up the issue of love in regards to work. Should we pursue work we love or is it better that we do what we want? To get a deeper understanding of where I am coming from, I suggest you visit Tom's fabulous essay 'Loving Your Work is Overrated.' Now.
Here's my response:
Thank you, Tom, for shamelessly plugging my book! Your kind compliments are making me blush.
Roughly 50% of our marriages end in divorce, and we are falling out of love at an even higher rate. Love has a poor track record, especially as the basis for a flourishing long term business relationship with oneself.
Granted, love doesn't always look like Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's sofa. But elements of insanity or at least manic behavior are lurking in the shadows of every romance. We love being in love to a level of addiction, and here is the opening to unavoidable pain. Our love for love usually dissolves it ... if we are lucky.
Unless we talk about love for our brats, that is--but that kind of caring is hardwired into our DNA. Any damned ostrich can do that.
Love is a terminal illness. Your love will end or it will end you. Love can literally kill people, and it is healthy to keep in mind that most homicides take place between individuals who once loved each other.
When we are tired of "loving" destruction and self-destruction, we can simply resolve the relationship entirely or we may opt for transmuting this mushy monstrum into something of durable consistency: able partners can transcend seizures of love and derive from it what they WANT!
Decades ago I loved my work. I was on a mission ("They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God." --Blues Brothers), and I didn't believe that this love could end. The stuff we love is fraught with too much meaning. You mentioned 'the horns of angels:' "If the horns of angels and blinding white light don't announce their epiphanies, they often question their discoveries."
Frequent questioning of our discoveries is an integral part of a healthy mental diet. People get heart attacks over the impertinent self-importance that's covered up by their calling. Yep, God's Will can be a severe case of covert hubris. It serves us well to relax and to re-discover the playful character of old fashioned trial and error.
Beginning a new business venture can be fun. What's so wrong with lust? And if it works, why wouldn't you want to continue?
Today, I embrace the fact that I am somewhat detached from my projects. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? It does. Emotional distance supports free choice and thickens your bond with everything you really want.
The next occurrence of love is likely going to be a temporary phenomenon. Worse, our love suspends free will. Freedom of choice is impaired by love, and that can be as sickening as a commitment. Apropos, commitment to psychiatric wards is usually perpetrated by--you guessed correctly--loved ones, in the name of love. Is the sleepiest Saint out there finally snapping to attention?
'Doing what we love' is just another holy cow on the chopping block: ultimately we don't do anything we don't want. Feelings and emotions are always subject to our will. The baby boomers have used their sacred feelings as the most powerful tool to manipulate and to subjugate their environment. The infatuation of a teenager is an intense expression of what she wants.
So is our love and our hatred for our work.
Egbert Sukop
P.S.: Are you twittering yet? Follow me on twitter.com at http://twitter.com/esukop
P.P.S.: And don't forget to visit Amazon to purchase a copy of my book 'How to Better Hate Your Job' at http://tinyurl.com/dyal4y
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
dream life
Dreaming happens whether we like it or not. We don't dream actively. We can ride a bicycle but we cannot intentionally dream. Dreaming "happens." It is an event we have no or extremely little control over.
But then we invent dreams we care about. We believe they are important. We want to turn them into reality. We are becoming attached to the outcome. Our dream--of how reality should be--morphs from innocence into a necessity, and we swear we shall never be happy again without getting what we want.
That's the moment when your finest dream has gathered sufficient power to reduce your life to a pile of rubble. The more we want something, the less freedom we have. A specific goal or a dream can kill the ecstasy you are capable of enjoying this very moment. Dreams that are meant to improve your life may become roots for its destruction.
Let's back up a notch. I am aware there are different types of dreams and goals, and I admit that I am simplifying. But what the hell, why shouldn't I?
Reduced to two kinds of goals, we can pursue one that is supposed to better our lives or a different kind that expresses our enjoyment of life. The former--"I want x, so that my life will be better, more meaningful, healthier, richer, etc."--evokes the image of a dog chasing a rabbit.
The outcome is impossible to predict. We expect to increase happiness in the future, and that imaginary level of happiness is linked to success or to the failure of our projects. We deny ourselves to be content at this moment because we are using misery as the motivator to achieve what we want in the future.
That is self-improvement at its worst. To be honest, where is the improvement in reaching such a goal? When I have to deprive myself of current joy as a psychological technique to get what I want, I am likely to repeat this effective--but nevertheless idiotic--'success' pattern in the future.
Say wha?
Once you have reached goal x, you will find ways to make yourself feel miserable again (re-charging your motivational battery) as a starting point for the pursuit of a new goal y that "will make you so incredibly happy." Pretty sick, don't you think?
Angry people crave to change the world. And when the world changes they are still angry. Anger is their childish tool. Anger is what they enjoy the most, and they will continue to be angry no matter what they'll achieve.
My happiness does not depend on luck and on the decisions other people are making. The outcome of my projects, my success rate or my bank balance, determines how much I can enjoy myself at the moment? That would be a fine reason for blowing my brains out. Sure, it's nice when things go well and when our projects are flourishing. I love when that happens, but I won't permit a fickle universe to steal my happiness.
Does goal setting work? Sure, why not. Is it advisable for the purpose of self-improvement? I am sorry, I have too much self-respect to suggest such a harebrained idea. If you love your life, beware of self-improvement. And if you don't enjoy being you, you have bigger problems to deal with than those that simplistic self-improvement can solve.
The other type of goal I mentioned is based on current contentment. It's not aimed at causing happiness. On the contrary, existing happiness is the foundation for this kind of goal. No retail therapy necessary. There is nothing you need to buy, do, or accomplish before you are willing to respect yourself by being happy and relaxed. You are exercising because you are feeling so good, instead of exercising for the purpose of reaching workout goals.
Playfulness versus dead serious cut throat behavior toward yourself. You can start the same business playfully and you can build the same house. But when contentment is the basis for setting material goals, they are easier to accomplish because it's just matter and free of emotional attachments. Making money is more fun when that money doesn't have to make you happy.
Not being happy is childish.
Children use misery and pain to get attention. When so-called adults continue that pattern, it becomes awfully pathetic. Pursuing dreams in order to be happy 'one day' is futile, and it is useless to work on goal achievement with the purpose of being free to to what you want afterward.
As far as happiness is concerned, I promote instant gratification. We can't make ourselves dream the right stuff in our sleep, and we don't control whether we'll have nightmares or pleasant dreams in pink. Neither are we capable of forcing a particular dream into existence during our waking hours.
'Follow your dream' does not mean that your will is the measure of all things and that you must subjugate reality at any cost. Forcing your will on your environment would be a fine recipe for misery, almost a guarantee that you will never be satisfied again.
In my dreams I never get to do what I want. Hence I rather wake up, be happy, and do what I want. How does that work, 'being happy first?'
Good question! I thought you'd never ask. It's easy: attend my seminar. Oops, I forgot that I don't offer seminars ... at least not now. But you can purchase a copy of my book 'How to Better Hate Your Job.' That will answer questions about instant happiness. Not exhaustively but in ways you don't expect.
A happy day to you,
Egbert Sukop
P.S.: Are you twittering yet? Follow me on twitter.com at http://twitter.com/esukop
P.P.S.: And don't forget to visit Amazon to purchase a copy of my book 'How to Better Hate Your Job' at http://tinyurl.com/dyal4y
But then we invent dreams we care about. We believe they are important. We want to turn them into reality. We are becoming attached to the outcome. Our dream--of how reality should be--morphs from innocence into a necessity, and we swear we shall never be happy again without getting what we want.
That's the moment when your finest dream has gathered sufficient power to reduce your life to a pile of rubble. The more we want something, the less freedom we have. A specific goal or a dream can kill the ecstasy you are capable of enjoying this very moment. Dreams that are meant to improve your life may become roots for its destruction.
Let's back up a notch. I am aware there are different types of dreams and goals, and I admit that I am simplifying. But what the hell, why shouldn't I?
Reduced to two kinds of goals, we can pursue one that is supposed to better our lives or a different kind that expresses our enjoyment of life. The former--"I want x, so that my life will be better, more meaningful, healthier, richer, etc."--evokes the image of a dog chasing a rabbit.
The outcome is impossible to predict. We expect to increase happiness in the future, and that imaginary level of happiness is linked to success or to the failure of our projects. We deny ourselves to be content at this moment because we are using misery as the motivator to achieve what we want in the future.
That is self-improvement at its worst. To be honest, where is the improvement in reaching such a goal? When I have to deprive myself of current joy as a psychological technique to get what I want, I am likely to repeat this effective--but nevertheless idiotic--'success' pattern in the future.
Say wha?
Once you have reached goal x, you will find ways to make yourself feel miserable again (re-charging your motivational battery) as a starting point for the pursuit of a new goal y that "will make you so incredibly happy." Pretty sick, don't you think?
Angry people crave to change the world. And when the world changes they are still angry. Anger is their childish tool. Anger is what they enjoy the most, and they will continue to be angry no matter what they'll achieve.
My happiness does not depend on luck and on the decisions other people are making. The outcome of my projects, my success rate or my bank balance, determines how much I can enjoy myself at the moment? That would be a fine reason for blowing my brains out. Sure, it's nice when things go well and when our projects are flourishing. I love when that happens, but I won't permit a fickle universe to steal my happiness.
Does goal setting work? Sure, why not. Is it advisable for the purpose of self-improvement? I am sorry, I have too much self-respect to suggest such a harebrained idea. If you love your life, beware of self-improvement. And if you don't enjoy being you, you have bigger problems to deal with than those that simplistic self-improvement can solve.
The other type of goal I mentioned is based on current contentment. It's not aimed at causing happiness. On the contrary, existing happiness is the foundation for this kind of goal. No retail therapy necessary. There is nothing you need to buy, do, or accomplish before you are willing to respect yourself by being happy and relaxed. You are exercising because you are feeling so good, instead of exercising for the purpose of reaching workout goals.
Playfulness versus dead serious cut throat behavior toward yourself. You can start the same business playfully and you can build the same house. But when contentment is the basis for setting material goals, they are easier to accomplish because it's just matter and free of emotional attachments. Making money is more fun when that money doesn't have to make you happy.
Not being happy is childish.
Children use misery and pain to get attention. When so-called adults continue that pattern, it becomes awfully pathetic. Pursuing dreams in order to be happy 'one day' is futile, and it is useless to work on goal achievement with the purpose of being free to to what you want afterward.
As far as happiness is concerned, I promote instant gratification. We can't make ourselves dream the right stuff in our sleep, and we don't control whether we'll have nightmares or pleasant dreams in pink. Neither are we capable of forcing a particular dream into existence during our waking hours.
'Follow your dream' does not mean that your will is the measure of all things and that you must subjugate reality at any cost. Forcing your will on your environment would be a fine recipe for misery, almost a guarantee that you will never be satisfied again.
In my dreams I never get to do what I want. Hence I rather wake up, be happy, and do what I want. How does that work, 'being happy first?'
Good question! I thought you'd never ask. It's easy: attend my seminar. Oops, I forgot that I don't offer seminars ... at least not now. But you can purchase a copy of my book 'How to Better Hate Your Job.' That will answer questions about instant happiness. Not exhaustively but in ways you don't expect.
A happy day to you,
Egbert Sukop
P.S.: Are you twittering yet? Follow me on twitter.com at http://twitter.com/esukop
P.P.S.: And don't forget to visit Amazon to purchase a copy of my book 'How to Better Hate Your Job' at http://tinyurl.com/dyal4y
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